I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
