A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
