Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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