I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
