He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
