this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize