You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
