where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
