Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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