Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
