porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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