Umm I'm too high to move.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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