The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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