omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
