i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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