He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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