well I can't set my house on fire every night
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
