Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Pooping to opera.
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