I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
