pop tarts are not kleenex
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
