Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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