a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hippo gnu deer
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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