You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
