I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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