you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
