I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
