i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
