Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
