his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize