: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
