You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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