I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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