She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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