Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
