Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
