I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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