Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize