I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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