matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
