kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
