I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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