My first STD was from a foam party
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
