Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
