i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
