I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
