my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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