I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
