I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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