I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I want to fling myself into the sun
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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