I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
