Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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