And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
