Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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