So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
