Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
