I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
