Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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